Behind The Players Eyes
by emmers27920
Summary: On the outside, he’s simply beautiful, nothing like him. On the inside however he is not simple and probably nowhere close to beautiful. (One shot from James POV) mild slash


**Behind The Players Eyes**

This is my fanfic. No point in rambling my ass off about it like the rest of you do.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters you will read about in this fanfic. This is fan-fiction. Fiction, Real live copyrighted characters, but fake, made up plots. Twisted as to how I see fit. The odds justify the means. Were even and I'm not even getting paid. Not like anyone cares how broke my ass is!

Summery: On the outside, he's simply beautiful, nothing like him. On the inside however he is not simple and probably nowhere close to beautiful. (One shot from James POV) mild slash

Rated R for swearing. Of course there will be slash. This is me were talking about here people.

This story is also sort of spin off another book. Partially. What book I will not reveal. If any of you know, comment. By the way it's a really good book!

This is a one shot fic! Please read and review and tell me whether or not to carry on with my next fic, which will have chapters!

"Believe Me. Believe me Harry. I would never betray James and Lily. I would die before I betrayed them" - Sirius Black

Sad thing is. He did. He did die before he ever betrayed James and Lily.

As soon as he turned 16 and became a rather promising Quidditch player, things started to get a little weird.

He started to become what girls at Hogwarts would call, "Hot, and sexy, a beautiful face with ripped muscles, simply perfect."

How could they be more wrong, he was not perfect, he was nowhere near perfect? Everywhere he went it seemed like girls all over the corridors would stop and stare or move out of his way just so they could turn around get a glimpse of him from behind.

Being 17 now. Nothing had changed.

He'd always been a good Quidditch player. Ever since his first year at Hogwarts, since he first stepped on that broom, he was good. Very good. But Quidditch hadn't done much for his figure until now, after he'd gained some weight. All of that weight transformed into a lean six pack abs. But he was still ever promising as the captain reminded him. He could always do better. It seemed to him he was at the top of his game. Any more work and he'd crash to the ground and angrily brake his broomstick in half.

Every time his looks were brought up, he would turn the slightest red but then glow at the sheer thought of a piece of limelight. He bathed in the limelight. Being the center of attention was fun… or at least he thought it was fun… for a while. But sometimes popularity can get old and such things can start to make people talk about you. Say things like you've _slept_ with girls. Because you are good looking in this day and age, you are automatically a womanizer.

They were wrong. Very wrong. But James Potter would never reveal his secret. To anyone, ever. Oh sure that one special girl was bound to find out he didn't have any idea what the hell he was doing when it came to things like sex. But for now, he could play the roll. Play the whole roll. Not only as a womanizer but as player, and an obnoxious jerk. That's all anyone ever thought he was anyway. A player, a womanizer and a jerk. He had everyone's attention, "all eyes on him" just as he liked it. Or everyone thought he liked it. Everyone's attention but the one person he cared about most.

James Potter had a way with getting into a girls head.

And girls had a way of getting there way into his head. His mind, his supposed castle. The one place where anyone would say was safe and all there own.

Not James.

He didn't trust his mind for a second. If anything his mind had a mind of _it's_ own. His mind knew his weakness, and threw it in front him often only to pull it away like a dog being teased with a bone.

Sexy is how he felt. Charged and read to go. Hot. Hard-on. Ready for anything a girl would be happy to through. Or so he thought. Of course he'd done things with girls. Shameless flirting, kissing, touching of an ass or two. Maybe breasts. But it was all for show. All for that image, that everyone thought he was. But there never going to know otherwise, that there was something else behind his spectacles and eyes. No one would ever know. Unless he was ready to tell them, to whoever was special enough and wanted to know. Or to whoever found out his secret. You can't pretend forever can you? You can't live a lie? Right?

Not only did he feel hot but almost all the time, no matter where he was or what he was doing or even who he was talking to, the words sex, fuck, suck, and cock would enter his brain like a neon sign, blinking over and over again. The more he tried to shrug it off, the more it flashes, quavering him to come to that part of his mind and give in to his adolescent wants.

But he wouldn't, he couldn't. He was certainly better than that. Better to be thinking about sex, and pussy and the raw pornographic images that occasionally played over and over again in his mind. Thoughts like that would burn like brush fire through his entire body, making him want to leave class immediately and calm down. Get himself together and less juiced up.

"Man is a sexual being" he once read in an anatomy magazine. Sex, sexy. His mind swerved in that direction like a car on thin ice. Do you hit the brakes and save yourself? Or let the car drag itself into its own pending doom? If he thought to much about this kind of thing he'd get aroused and if he got aroused his hand might move to grip himself that special way. He hated this.

He hated losing himself, into the deep parts of his mind.

"Man is a sexual being" it almost made sense.

Could it get any worse?

"Yeah, so it's a Thursday night tonight…" said Sirius casually, talking to James almost as if he thought he was listening, "And of course the girls will be about. Looking for you most likely!"

Sirius laughed and elbowed his buddy. James forced a laugh too.

"Probably."

"Who you going to go for?" asked none other than Remus Lupin "As if we don't already know?"

He grinned, they all did. Finally James caught on and grinned as well. Not a soul in school didn't know about his infatuation with Lily Evans, except, maybe Lily. Okay that was a lie. Lily knew, she smiled at him softly and of course he'd been pounding her for years. Stupid pick up lines and cat-calls. It wasn't him, it was an image. A pressured image.

He was surprised she even smiled at him these days. For all he says and does to her. Public scenes he makes in front of the whole student body. In the Great Hall. At mealtimes, saying anything and doing anything to get a rise out of her. Or to get anything out of her.

Almost as if Peter was reading his thoughts he blurted out, "You'd kill to get into her pants wouldn't you?"

James eyes widened. Of course, he'd love to. Wouldn't he? I mean what was so wrong with a little pleasure now and then? Nothing right?

"Duh Peter. I'd kill Sirius over here for sure." He laughed and so did the others. Attention… he did a little back-stroke in it.

"She's about the only one you haven't slept with 'eh?" said Sirius rather seriously.

James didn't trust himself enough to speak. Enough to speak and not blurt out his little secret. That he'd never done anything like that to a girl before. In a way he almost didn't want to. Not like he was gay or anything its just that he was afraid. Yes, afraid. Afraid to touch a girl that way. To hurt her. To take her virginity and cause her pain. Especially Lily. How he cared for her. It was almost amazing. For all the things he's ever said and done to her he'd never once apologized. And she never once spoke up.

His heart burned for a moment at how much he loved her and how much he didn't want anyone else. This has to have been love. There's no other explanation, he didn't just crave her sexually, he craved her wholesomely. All of her, her personality, everything! He wanted and needed it. It killed him to sit next to her in class, like when they were partnered up in potions. Eyes cutting at them like they were monkeys in a cage. That's what you get for being Mr. Limelight. So he'd stay quiet, and work with her. Of course, whenever the guys looked over he'd through down an occasional taught about her large supple breasts. I mean, comments about boobs and sleep with me pick up lines.

As soon as they looked away laughing, his tongue would burn with a growing apology. One day he was going to say it. Going to say how he felt and how long he'd felt it and just tell her everything about himself. But of course he'd say he was sorry. Why was he so afraid of saying "I'm sorry"? It wasn't hard. He'd said it a million times when he'd run into people, not paying attention while he was walking and playing with his Snitch. But to Lily, it was just another couple of words put onto that "I Can Never Speak" List along with "I Love You, Your Perfect and Be With Me Forever".

James looked at his friends who where still waiting for an answer to his question.

"Yeah, that's right. About the only one." He gazed around the almost empty Great Hall. It was study break and next class was of course, Potions. His most beloved and hated class. He loved that he was with Lily. Breathing in her wonderful Lilac perfume and maybe even possibly breathing in the same air she might have been just a few moments before. The thought excited him, about being that close to something so beautiful and so innocent. But then again, he HATED potions. With the utmost despise. He just wasn't good at it, he didn't get it. I mean, what was the point of throwing in some ingredients and possibly making someone's nose get larger or brake out in hives. Sounded like nothing but an ass load of trouble to him. On almost every roll of parchment he got back he'd get those same blood red comments and X's next to his wrong answers. Comments like, "You can do better" and "Your not grasping the point".

__

You can do better.

Fuck them. What did they know? What does anyone know? Nothing. That's right. They know nothing about him or his life. Sometimes people should keep their comments to themselves.

"So what potion are you going to put on her today 'ole James-y boy?" asked Sirius, "Acne on the forehead? Or the classic instant hormones?"

"I think I'll go with Hard Nipples" laughed James. Looking at his friends for there instant laugh on approval.

They laughed quickly but faces turned grim.

"Amanda is coming!" said Remus in a sudden urgency. "Ex-nay on Lily-ay!"

All four of his friends looked around aimlessly. Like they hadn't just been talking about hard nipples a moment before. James spun around.

"Hey Mandy." He said casually as if a girlfriend was a rather casual thing to shrug off.

"Hey you" she said rather lustily, as her lips gently kissed his neck sending his whole body through a fit of spasms. She kissed around his ear and breathed heavily into it. Then eventually made her way to his mouth. Which she kissed hungrily as if they hadn't kissed in years. She was always like this. His mind was chanting, 'sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy' and then 'fuck, sex, sex, sex'. He could feel himself getting harder and then her hands slowly followed down his chest and onto his groin where she grabbed him quickly and started to rub and caress. He could feel the hard on getting harder. If possible. She guided his hand to her breast witch felt rather similar to silicone. He shrugged it off and started to straddle the girl imagining Lily. The sudden thought made the hard on worse. Mandy always did this. PDA, right in front of his friends. It was so strange and James hated it. But of course he couldn't pull away. It would make it look like he wasn't interested. Even though he wasn't. He wondered how hard it was for his friends to watch this sickening display of affection. But James had seen worse from them. He'd walked in on Sirius making love on multiple occasions.

It felt strange acting like an experienced lover when he knew nothing about what to do or how to do it or even where to stick it! Why did sex matter so much in life? It seemed like everything he did revolved around it. Was sex the center of life to a guy like everyone joked? Or was it honestly like that?

The thought scared him. Never being able to think about anything else but sex.

Slowly he pulled away and sat her down next to him. His friends were giving him pleading looks. They wanted to get away as fast as possible. But he would not dismiss them. He stayed silent for a long while until Mandy finally took the hint and left. She didn't seem pleased but James didn't care. When he finally thought she was out of ear shot he let out a long sigh.

"I'm sorry." He finally said aloud.

They just stared at him in disbelief.

"When are you going to dump that whore anyway?" asked Sirius.

"As soon as I feel its right to take her out and let Lily in" he answered confidently.

Rather strange for a "player" to ever talk like that about anyone. Like they cared if there was a special someone. James gulped, feeling as if he may have already said to much.

The gang continued to stare, there gazes falling over him like a sheet of ice, causing him to shiver. They continued to look him up and down until finally Sirius came up with some conclusion as to what had just happened.

"You've changed Prongs. I don't know when or how, but you've changed."

And with that all three boys got up and left for Potions, leaving James to pick up the remains of one of his biggest emotional mistakes.

James quickly darted past people and clusters of teenage girls calling his name, desperate for a little attention. Desperate for his "beautiful face" and "sexy eyes" to lock with there's. For once he did not care about the people and the attention. In most cases, he and the gang would stride down the corridors, looking rather confident. He of course was leading the pack with a big smile and an occasional wink. The students were probably kind of confused. It certainly wasn't normal to ever see one of the Marauder's by themselves. Or in any particular hurry to get out of the hallway and into class. It also wasn't normal for them not to stop and start mild chit-chat or start a fight with a local Slytherian, or there favorite target, "Lucius Malfoy".

"You've done it now James" he muttered to himself as he dipped his head low to try and get through the crowd and down to the Potions chamber, "You've really fucked up."

He made a sharp turn around a giggly bunch of girls and headed straight down the corridor, cloak flying behind him wildly. There was a strange amount of Slytherian's down here for Gryffindor Potions.

__

God damn it. We share potions with the snakes.

He took a sharp left and walked directly into Potions. Half the class was there including Sirius, Lupin and Peter. Peter was partnered with Amanda and was completely bored. Obviously Amanda was going on about shoes again. One of her favorite topics to talk about with Peter. She fancy's lipstick around Sirius.

Sirius and Remus were talking in hushed whispers and when James walked by the whispers intensified.

James glanced around the room. No Lily in sight. He sat down on the long bench with the caldron in front of it. Sirius and Remus in front of him to the left side and Peter and Amanda on the right side. Still in front. James stared absentmindedly at Amanda, trying to figure out to handle this whole brake up situation. He'd broken up with hopeful girls a million times before. Something about this situation seemed harder. The only generally hard part he could think of was getting Lily into his life. After that Amanda would be a piece of cake. That is, if Lily ever did happen into his life.

James took the Hard Nipple potion out of his bag and slipped it up the sleeve us his robs. Honestly he was in no mood to be lightheaded and a jock, stuck up with arrogance, but what choice did he have? He had to show his friends he was back to normal. He'd never changed. He didn't think he'd changed. I mean, when people say you've changed do you honestly see a change in yourself? Or do you create a change in your mind because that's one someone had said? James was the same as he ever had been. But what is "normal"? And what is "the same" for James Potter? Living two lives is certainly not normal. Pretending to be something your not just for show isn't normal either. But for him, it could be normal. He's been doing it for a year and a half now. Which was a alarming reminder that he still had a half year to go. Half a year left to keep his secret before he could escape into an adult life. One without peer pressure.

James laid his head onto the desk in front of him. His eyes focused on the little knots in the hard pine.

Suddenly the bench got heavier and Lilac filled his nose. His dazed expression instantly turned to an obnoxious grin as he sat up. The bottle laying half open in his sleeve, ready to be poured.

Lily must have noticed him staring at a Amanda a moment before because she said, rather nastily, "When are you going to dump that cheap whore anyway?"

James confidence, his mind set on a potion prank, and his arrogant smile faltered for just a second and his face turned soft. He looked at Lily as if he'd never met her before in his entire life.

Confidence, mind set and arrogance all came back.

"Now, why Evans, dear would you care about such a silly thing like my personal life?"

Why would she care? Why would she want to know his single status? Why would she want to know anything about his personal life… unless she wanted in?

His heart fluttered for just a moment at the thought of Lily wanting to be with him.

"I don't know Potter" she answered, pulling rolls of parchment from her bag, "She just makes you look bad is all."

Again his mind raced. Does that mean she thinks I usually look good? Does that mean she's been looking at me? Thinking about me? Does a guy usually ever think this much?

"I think I look fine thank you. But thanks for caring." He sneered with his most obnoxious grin. His confident grin.

Lily turned her had up from what she was doing long enough to look into his eyes. Her actual eyes staring into his. This was it, his weakness. Could she see through his jock exterior and into his heart? Where he held all his secrets. His entire second life? Her eyes were beautiful. The most captivating shade of Emerald Green. They sparkled with such beauty and elegance.

She let out a small sigh. "Sometimes I just don't understand you James Potter."

'Yeah me neither.' He thought to himself. Even though she had looked away her green eyes were still flashing, ghostly in his mind. Reminding him she wasn't hers and probably never will be.

He knew his confidence was being eaten away by those eyes. He did the only thing he could think of.

James popped the cork of the potion and made a stumbling motion so that the clear water spilled all down the front of her shirt. Taking a rather immediate effect her nipples turned hard.

Lily let out a squeal of surprise and anger. "James Potter! I can't believe you!" she fumed, "You're the most, god awful, self centered pinhead, arrogant jerk! And the most immature person I've ever met! I HATE YOU!" Lily got up and ran out of the classroom almost in a fit of tears.

The entire male part of the class whooped with laughter and cat-calls at her hard breasts. The female portion of the class however was holding there wands at a rather strange angle. As if they were all pointed at him. There eyes were sending piercing glares, phases set to "stun".

Sirius took Lily's now empty seat. He looked at James, a smile plastered across his face. He held up a hand for a high five.

James slapped it and grinned as well. All eyes on him. He let out a little chuckle as he and Sirius joked about what just happened.

How badly he wanted to run. Run straight out of class. Run and run and run until he finally found Lily and groveled for forgiveness. But he didn't, he stayed where he was. He played along like he didn't care. Like he was in fact a heartless jock with no feelings. No remorse.

The rest of Potions class was dull. And Lily never came back for her stuff at the end of class. The Potions master simply put it up on a shelf for her to come back for later.

James didn't see Lily for the rest of the day. Not once. He did however see someone else he didn't want to.

Lucius Malfoy took his long snake like strides towards the Gryffindor table around dinnertime. He stood right above James who was now boastfully telling the Potions tale for the 5th time to the rest of the boys. Sirius and Remus, although they were there, never got tired of the tale. Peter was over at the Hufflepuff table, chatting it up with some girl.

"I don't understand why your so proud of this little tale" mocked Lucius "Everyone knows that your in love with her Potter. And everyone now knows that she really can't stand you. But what you don't know Potter is that I will be asking her out tonight. And she will say yes and be with me forever."

James mind and body tensed. The fun of the moment ruined. (Not like there was any fun from his point of view) He stood up.

"Your not asking her out Malfoy. Your just full of hot air" said James tensely.

"Oh, oh, see everyone!" laughed Lucius "It seems I've struck a nerve with Potter here."

"You haven't struck a nerve" said James now circling Lucius like a hawk. His anger rising steadily with his walk, "I don't give a damn about Evans. She means nothing to me. She's just another bitchy girl. Fun to mess with."

"Well then. Now that that's settled, I'm sure you won't mind if I ask her out!" Lucius let out a loud bit of laughter before walking back to his table where his buddy's slapped him on the back and made sharp looks at James.

He couldn't be serious could he? He wasn't really going to ask Lily out. Was he?

James sat back down at his table. The laughter whipped away. The guys weren't looking at him, they were looking at the front hall doors. There mouths wide open. James looked too in just enough time to see Lily, standing there, looking at him. Tears streaming down her pretty face. Everyone was looking at her. Standing there, looking so beautiful, but so upset.

"You've done it now Potter!" called Lucius from the Slythian table, "You've really fucked up!"

Yes, he agreed with his mortal enemy for the first time. He had seriously, fucked up.

James sat alone in the common room. Trying to wrack his brain for anything that involved studying. He had quite a large essay due for Transfiguration tomorrow that he could have done weeks ago, but put it off till the last minute.

What a horrible last minute to wait to.

He couldn't possibly think about classes or school. Not with Lily's delicate body and mind out there, sad and upset… because of him. He was so stupid! How could he have said those things! Right in front of everyone! In front of her friends! His friends! EVERYONE!

She would never love him now, or even speak to him for that matter. What was he going to do? Of course he had to apologize, but it was just so hard. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't be hard to swallow your pride and admit what you did was wrong. But when you have so much pride, and a mind with a mind of its own and a secret, it was kind of hard to say anything without saying everything.

Sirius slumped tiredly down the stairs. He shuffled his feet to the desk in the common room sitting himself across from James.

James avoided his eyes. There was no point in looking up. He knew just what he was going to say.

"Listen, James…"

James held up his hand so silence him and looked up.

"No you listen Sirius. I know what your going to say and it doesn't matter. She's never going to…" He thought of saying "love" but that would freak Sirius out. Once again his image shapes his life. "She's never going to shag me." He finished and looked at Sirius, who's face in return looked soft.

"Well, if you don't want to talk then…" his voice trailed off, "I guess I'll see you in the morning." He grinned. "I've got a special friend up here, so I suggest seeking refuge someplace else."

James grinned back. "I'm happy for you."

He wished he could be happy with himself.

"You going to bed anytime soon anyway?" asked Sirius, from the boys dormitory staircase.

"I honestly don't know" said James throwing down his quill in frustration. "This is all so hard when my minds racing like this. I need a new plan. A new plan to get her… in bed." How badly he wanted to say "To love me".

"Alright then. Night Prongs" he said with a little tip of an imaginary hat.

James shrugged and buried his face into his work.

Hours seem to have passed and it must have been around 10:30. He hadn't gotten anything done at all. Most of the time he was gazing into the fire and singing as loudly as he could to block out the sounds of Sirius having sex upstairs.

What a fun Thursday night. He rolled his eyes and looked again from the fire to his paper. He was never going to finish this. But of course he had to try.

So once again he threw himself into his work. Writing quickly and humming as loud as he could.

"11:30" he yawned tiredly and looked around completely dazed and almost confused about where he was. Suddenly everything came back to him and he was furious. Now he had even less time to finish this stupid homework. He pushed it to the other side of the desk and laid his head back down.

"Screw this" he muttered into his sleeve, "This is just about as worthless as living right now."

"I have those days too" commented a small voice from the Girls Dormitory stair case.

James head shot up. This couldn't be. It really couldn't be. He must be asleep. Dead asleep. And when he woke up, he would be sure to mentally kick his brain for ever screwing with him like this.

"As a matter of fact, today was one of them."

James remained silent, trying not to look at her pretty face. Her voice almost haunting in his head. His conscious was screaming at him, kicking and thrashing in his stomach, causing the worst case of butterfly's known to man. He thought for sure he was going to be cleaning up vomit with his unfinished essay. She's the only person that could make him feel this way.

He could hear her feet lightly making there way to where he sat. His palms where getting sweaty…

She took a seat across from him, propping her upper body onto her elbows, which lay on the desk. Her eyes took a quick sweep of his unfinished work. James couldn't look up. He couldn't look at her face. He was to weak, and simply to cruel.

"This is some work here" she laughed, "You got, what? 6 out of 32 questions answered?"

He had to look up now. It was now or never. Maybe this time she'd be smiling. He'd kill to see her smile. After all the crying and pain he'd caused her today.

James lifted his head but got distracted by one of the greatest inventions known to man.

Breasts.

The neon signs started flashing. The words began to race in his mind. But he couldn't hear them, all he could here was that slight buzz, similar to the one you get after leaning into a smoking Potions caldron for to long.

They were perfect and almost pouring out of her tiny pajama shirt. They were calling him, he was sure of it. Creamy and white, perfect. How badly he wanted to reach out to them but he didn't. Instead he started to drool. Physically drool.

Thank god he caught himself in that moment and slammed his head against the desk. Lily jumped.

"How long have you been working on this James?"

James? James? She knew his first name? She never called him by his first name before. Was the universe spinning backwards, was he dreaming, what in bloody hell was going on?

He lifted his eyes again, only a little bit. Just enough to peak over the rims of his glasses. Enough to get a an eye-full of her creamy features. James felt like a turtle, being beckoned from its shell. But he certainly wasn't a stupid turtle. He knew when there was danger outside that shell. Danger being: to much of a very, good thing. They say you can never have to much of a good thing.

But this does not hold true when you are a sex deprived teenage boy with a rather jumpy penis.

"Four hours" he answered numbly. Rubbing his eyes. Giving any reason to keep them closed, to keep his eyes off of her.

She was so very beautiful.

"Wow" she sighed softly. Eyeing him up and down.

He shifted his glance to finally meet hers.

They sat there, in a rather awkward silence, just looking into each others eyes. How he dreamed of this moment, to be alone with her, to confess himself to her.

Suddenly, he felt an odd sensation. It started with his toes and worked its way gradually through his entire body, where it reached his tongue. The tongue and brain had a short conversation before they both realized this was it. The only way to turn it all around. And with a rather large donation of courage from his balls, he spoke.

"Listen, Lily…" his pride was now battling his courage with a large sword, "I'm so sorry for everything I've said and done today. And everyday. Your not a bitch, not at all. And your not fun to mess with. Your actually really fun and really cool. I didn't mean to say those things its just…" He stopped. He had trailed into to much detail. Quick! He needed some way to finish this little apology without giving himself away. "And yeah, that's it."

'Very smooth' he told himself. 'You might as well let the damn plane crash!'

Lily was quiet, almost as if waiting for him to say more and to explain himself. She knew something. What? He didn't know. But it was sending his brain some rather weird signals.

"Apology accepted." A grin plastered itself to her face as she spoke softly, "I'm sorry too. For blowing up at you. For making you think I hated you. I really don't. For an air headed jock, your really okay."

That was a complement. He knew it. Sure, she added some unnecessary words and phrases, but all in all it was a complement. His heart soared. He felt his courage stab his pride in the heart several times.

James laughed a real laugh for the first time in a year. "Thanks."

He rubbed his head awkwardly. Lily smiled.

"I really like you James Potter. Your different then those other guys, "only in it for a good shag". But you…, you seem to have more on your mind than other guys. I'm not saying your not a jerk though." Her voice trailed off and she turned rather red in the face. Almost the same shade of red as her pretty hair.

His heart stopped, his mind stopped, but most importantly, his world stopped.

"I-I like you too Lily Evans" he finally stammered.

"I sort of knew that. I just didn't want to be with you. I didn't want to be in your same sort of lime-light. Plus, we almost never talked. And when we did, we bickered about little things, little things that drove me crazy. And you did it on purpose. But what you didn't know was that those little things you thought annoyed me actually drove me crazy in a good way." She laughed again. "And you were always dropping Potions on me…"

"I honestly am sorry for that" he once again confessed.

"I know."

"I'm crazy about the things that "bothered" me about you too" he confessed again, for the third time this night.

Lily's eyes studied him for a few moments before she got up and walked around the table. Revealing to him what she was wearing. Or what she wasn't for that matter. Spaghetti straps, and boy shorts. Very small boy shorts, both of which where sporting house colors. Whether or not she was wearing underwear, he didn't know, nor did he care right now.

Her perfect little body and long legs striding towards him. Carefully she put out her hand. James looked from her pretty smiling face to her hand and back again. He took it. He took Lily's hand in his and let her lead him over to the common rooms couch. Which laid across from the roaring house fire. The flames shadows licked and danced across the couch itself, making it look like it was almost aflame.

Where do you go from here? What do you do after confessing half your heart to a girl you've been wanting for years?

Part of him said, 'Make, a move. Touch her. Fuck her.'

He wasn't falling for that cheap trick, not when he had so much going for him right now.

The other part of his mind said, 'Tell her. Tell her everything. Everything you said you'd tell her.'

Apparently, Lily didn't know what this couch gesture was for either, because she wasn't speaking.

"Are you- are you… cold?" she stuttered, holding out a quilt.

He wasn't cold but the idea of a blanket and Lily Evans together, was certainly an idea he couldn't refuse.

"A little bit. Yes."

Lily scooted over next to him and placed the quilt over the both of them.

Was it just him or did she snuggle into his chest? Was Lily Evans making a pass at him? What do you do when you get thrown a pass such as this?

James carefully placed his arm around Lily.

"So, Evans- I mean Lily" he said, trying to shake his image, "Why the sudden change of heart? Why are you being to… kind…?"

She looked up at him kind of blankly. "I told you before James, that I don't hate you. I didn't really mean it. And there's something about you. Something captivating. I don't know, I can't put my finger on it." She chewed the inside of her lip.

"Oh. Okay." He answered dumbly.

It was almost 12:30 he realized when he glanced out the window, looking at the stars.

Lily and him had been talking for over and hour now. Telling each other there life stories.

He'd only been talking with her for and hour and it seemed like he'd known her all his life. Like a long lost companion. This was almost too perfect.

He'd told her everything too. Within reasonable limits. But he had a feeling it was time he "came out of the closet" so to speak.

Lily finally stopped her fit of giggles. They had just been talking about childhood memories.

He took in a long shaky breath and turned himself so he was facing Lily. She looked a little alarmed, but didn't say anything.

James took her soft little hand in his own. How different they were, her hand small and soft and smooth. His rough, callused and large. There was almost a lesson in there hands. Lily's being beautiful on the outside and on the inside. Just like her. And his being rough, layers upon layers of emotions built onto him, to keep his weakest layer safe.

"I- I have to tell you something Lily" His voice was shaking like crazy now, "I-I'm not who you think I am."

The alarming look on her face was back.

He let out a nervous laugh. "No, no. Nothing like that. I-I'm not exactly what everyone leads on to believe."

This is it James. He told himself, no more beating around the bush.

"People, people see me Lily and when they do, what do they say? How do they see me? How did you see me?"

Lily's face looked soft. Almost hurt.

"That's right Lily. You see a jock, a "guy's guy", a good looking womanizer. And that's it. That's all anyone sees. Or bothers to see in me. But you see Lily, that I am none of those things. On the inside that is… but since no one bothers to see my inside, they don't know."

She continued to stare at him. He decided to continue.

"I am a jock. For a different reason that most would think Lily. I play a game, but its not the usual kind of game a 17 year old boy should play. I live a lie, Lily Evans. I full blown lie. I have lived a lie for a year and half now, so it almost feels… normal. I do not, for any reason have fun picking on most people and girls. Its an image. All of it. Being obnoxious? Another part of the god damn image. I've lived to a mold fore a year and half now Lily. Its weird to even think about acting like myself, and not how people see me. Being cocky and confident? Part of the image. I am no where confident in myself Lily Evans, nor am I, for any reason, cocky on purpose."

Now came the time to tell her the deepest part of his life-long secret. By now she was looking at him as if he had grew a second head.

"When people see my Lily Evans, girls especially, immediately say, "Look at him! Hot and sexy, a beautiful face and ripped abs. Simply perfect!" well truth is, I don't believe I'm like that in the least. Most of the time. I'm not perfect, as I have proved before. I live a lie. Therefore not making me perfect or beautiful on the inside. I'd kill to be beautiful on the inside, or at least seem that way. Like you."

A smile was creeping across her pretty face. Her green eyes sparkling.

"Another thing that makes girls drawn to me is they think I'm… experienced. They look at me and automatically think I'm a "good go", in bed. How they got this image in there minds I don't know. How anyone thought this weird little tidy up, is beyond me. Maybe I started it, to fit my image? I don't know, I can't remember. The point it Lily Evans, I am not experienced, I know nothing about sex of any sort because… I have never once had sex before in my life. I am a virgin."

Lily was silent for a moment. He guessed she was trying to soak it all in, similar to the way he was soaking it all out. This is it. This is freedom, this is the world being lifted off his shoulders. James continued to stare at Lily, his heart singing, his mind dancing his spirit soaring.

She finally spoke. "I know."

James thought he heard a screech. No, that was the sound the world made when it stopped spinning, the sound your spirit made when it crashed, the sound your mind made when the music was turned off and the sound your heart made when it lost the words to its song.

"What!"

"I-I know James. I knew there was something different about you. What I couldn't specify. But when you said it, and it came from your mouth, it- it all made sense. In a strange way."

"Wow. Wow. Wow. Okay!" he said in reply to such a strange comment.

There was awkward silence again. But in its awkwardness, it didn't seem quiet so awkward.

"I wish I could tell the world about you James. And now truly great you are. And how truly different you are. This would be a shocker for someone like Lucius. But people need to find out about how brilliant you are by themselves." She laughed.

Lucius! He had completely forgotten about him!

"Did, did he ask you out?" James said numbly. He almost didn't want to hear the answer.

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"Well, yes. He did. But I turned him down. Or course. He's such a dirt bag." She laughed again and James couldn't help but laugh with her after hearing her say that about him. "Moving in on me after you had done wrong and when I was hurt. What a fucking ass."

James tilted her chin up to where there eyes met. Her skin was so soft, so smooth.

Before he had a chance to do anything else she leaned in and gave him a tight hug. And when she pulled back, she did something he had only dreamt about before. Lily Evans kissed him, right there on the couch. It was not a light and airy kiss mind you, it was slow and passionate. Her tongue entering his mouth differently then any others had before. But he accepted it, of course. His hands moved to her waist, where he let them rest. Her hands reaching around his neck, pulling him closer.

They stayed like that for quite some time. Pulling back to breath every once in a while. But right after they could breath again, they were kissing. Sometimes they change positions, but they didn't let that stop there kissing. Once he was on top of her, other times she was on top of him. He was trying to keep track in his mind, but they switched around so many times he lost count. Finally reality struck them as they hit the floor with a loud "thump". Apparently he had lost there footing.

"I love you" they said to each other at the exact same time. Looking deeply into each others eyes.

How happy he was to hear those words. Those words he only imagined before. Lily giggled as she got off of him, outstretching her hand in the process. He took it and she pulled him up. Her usually soft pink lips now red with the tell tale signs of a make-out.

"You know…" she taunted lightly, pulling him closer to the Girls Dormitory staircase, "I'm a virgin as well."

James could feel his eyes get wide. This isn't news people often shared with one another.

She looked so innocent, with one of her little straps falling gently down her shoulder. He half wanted to protect her and half wanted something else.

"Lily, Lily, I can't." He said modestly. MODESTLY? WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE SAYING? This is Lily Evans. His dream and fantasy, for that matter. "I can't hurt you. Taking your virginity… it would hurt you…"

She thought about his for a moment.

"But wouldn't you rather it be you? Someone who loved me and not someone who just wanted to use me? Someone who's faking loving me? Wouldn't you rather it be you hurting me than someone else, 3 years later or something?" Quickly, she grabbed his groin and started to rub.

Lily Evans sure could put up a damn good argument.

She continued to pleasure him all the way up the staircase. Tapping four or five areas on the wall with her wand. Maybe that's how she kept the staircase from turning into a slide. Lily grabbed him rather fiercely and started to caress him, faster.

He did not care how they got up those stairs, just as long as they did.

James could swear he was losing himself in the situation. His good judgment maybe being crowded by that slipping tank top of hers. All the blood in his head was rushing to his groin as she continued to touch him in that special way.

Finally they were up the stairs, she was leading him down the corridor, in no particular hurry. They reached her dorm, which they stumbled into clumsily. Falling onto her bed. Her dorm room was strangely empty for this time of night. But he didn't care.

Nothing mattered except the task at hand. He was free, like Pinocchio from his strings. All matters and depressing thoughts cut from his mind. He had everything.

James kissed Lily softly once more and pulled away, rolling onto her bed next to her. Both of them breathing quickly.

"I don't mean to sound stupid, but…" James paused, "Where do we go from here?"

"Your talking to a virgin as well" laughed Lily, "I'm guessing from here we have sex."

James gulped. Now or never. This was it. The plunge. Once again he felt sexy, hard on, hot. How was Lily feeling? What did girls feel like when they were about to loose there virginity to someone they had before was experienced? Was she anxious, about the pleasure? Or nervous about the fact there was going to be pain? He heard a girls first time sucked. But you can't have a second time without a first. What if taking virginity isn't all its cracked up to be? Sure it feels good for him, but what about her? He didn't want his first time to feel good at the expense of her pain.

Sex was so complicated.

Lily looked at him for a moment, studying his face. "Whatever it is James, don't worry, you'll do fine, I'll be fine."

"How-How'd you know I was thinking about that?"

"Because, your actually hesitating about having sex. Don't worry about me or…" she winced, "The pain. You'll be my first which will always be special and you'll be my second, most definitely."

Wow. What a night. They hadn't even started having sex and she already promised more.

James grinned. Trying to show he was confident in his sexual ability, which was non-existence up until this point. As long as Lily was assured everything was going to be okay, he might be okay too.

James scooted over to start kissing on her again. They made-out for a while, starting out slow but gradually speeding up. His mouth started moving down from her lips to her cheek and gradually making a bee line down her neck, where he was sure he must have left a hicky. All the while, Lily was giggling, her breaths becoming faster and shorter. He thought for sure he had heard a moan, which aroused him more, which put on more pressure to pleasure her, and himself.

He lifted his head up once again, to take in all her beauty.

Her face was so perfect, hair and skin so fair. But of course, his eyes drifted from her beautiful face down. James could make out one of her fist-sized, hard looking breasts, berry-size nipples and the suggestion of her collarbone beneath her creamy, pale skin. He feels anxious, excited. A hot rush of blood to his groin, he's miserable suddenly.

Lily props herself onto her elbows just long enough to kiss him on the tip of his nose, "I love you James Potter."

James grabbed her around the hips and Lily giggle lightly. There kissing again and hands are roaming. James feels almost blind, nothing seems right. The colors, the room, his world is spinning faster and faster as he can make out a breast, then another both perfect and bare. He is so hard, he's almost tearing through the denim in his jeans. Did he do this? Did he put those breasts out into the open? He can't remember. If you asked, he probably couldn't remember his own name.

Suddenly he feels cold as Lily removes his shirt, jeans and boxers, leaving nothing but his bare-naked , rock hard self on top of her, very, naked, rather wet body. Things didn't seem so cold anymore.

Time and space was moving quickly, along with the images in his head. Had he removed her clothing? If so, how long ago did this happen? Time was going so fast. He licked and kissed over her nipples and breasts. He drifted downward and kissed her wet, pussy. She slid out from under him and sucked the top of his hard penis.

James moaned, and entered her. Slowly of course, Lily winced and he paused.

"I didn't hurt you? Did I?"

Lily looked up at him. "No, its just awkward, keep going. It feels better now." She moaned.

That's all the more he needed. He pressed forward, the heat and pleasure not calming his already spinning world. There couldn't be anything better than this. The only times his head spun this much was when Lily said she loved him and he got hit in the groin with a bludger.

Like catching the snitch 5 minutes into the game. Way beyond the feeling of punching Lucius Malfoy in the face. Its like his soul had gone up in a sheet of flame. He collapses on the sweaty, squirmy, laughing red head who was half sobbing in gratitude.

James had been drunk maybe once in his entire life. He remembered it as hell, but he also remember that that happened on a weekend, while this, was a Friday morning. He felt like hell. Like his muscles had been ripped apart. His head ached worse than a hangover. That is, until he opened his eyes. The sun was barely even up and Lily's alarm was ringing. The had an hour to be ready for classes.

He glanced around the room until his eyes met her sleepy little face. She yawned but her eyes stayed closed. James glanced down and his face turned instantly red. Almost as red as his penis as he pulled himself out of Lily.

She stirred and finally opened her eyes. "Good morning" she said grinning.

James didn't know if this was one of those times where you talked about what happened or forget it immediately.

"That was… incredible" she mumbled.

James beamed. "You mean it didn't hurt that bad?"

"Oh hell YES! It hurt really bad, but near the end, the very end mind you, it wasn't so bad. And just sleeping next to you was a pleasure in itself." Lily kissed him softly. "Now get your sexy naked ass out of my dorm room and into your own!"

James laughed again. He felt so good. About everything! The world was great! It was hard to believe that just 24 hours ago he felt like maybe death was the best answer to everything. He rubbed her lower torso, knowing that she was probably more sore then she was letting on. Lily relaxed onto the covers, as she rubbed his red penis very slowly.

Damn was she good.

James got up and out of bed. Slowly putting on his clothes, not really wanting to leave the memory of his first time behind. Lily still lay under the covers, watching him pick up the scattered articles of clothing.

Once fully dressed, he turned around to face Lily walking over to her bedside to give her a few more kisses.

"I'll see you in class later then babe?" he smiled adding a silly word to the end of a sentence seemed funny at the time. The world seems funny at the time.

"Yeah." Lily looked at him, "James? How do you want to handle this? With everyone? And all the people? You know how I hate your limelight."

"Don't worry Lily. If we can get through sex then surely we can get through a couple of sideways looks from strangers. Its none of there damn business. Let them talk!"

Lily's face fell. "What about Amanda?"

"Oh shit" said James aloud. "I'll take care of her. Don't worry Lily."

"Okay" she mumbled and pulled the covers over her face, "Just get out fast before the girls come in here and have a freaking fit!"

James smiled as he made his way to the doorway which led to the corridor. "Oh and Lily?" He turned around.

"What?" she said sweetly.

"Still think I'm a jerk?" he laughed, knowing the answer.

"Of course. But since your so good in bed, I think I makes up for it!" She was quiet for a second. "I love you James."

"I love you too Lily. Oh yeah, will you go out with me. Not like I don't already know the answer…?"

"Of course! Now get OUT!" she shrieked, throwing a pillow at him and going into a fit of giggles.

"Yes ma'am!" he said ducking and running out of the dorm.

James, Sirius, Remus and Peter all sat at there table during Study Break, doing anything but studying. Remus and Peter where playing a game of exploding snaps while James and Sirius laughed about random things.

"Do the essay for Transfiguration?" asked Sirius, playing with his quill.

James shrugged. "Nope and I don't care."

"That's my man! I didn't either." laughed Sirius. "So, I noticed you never came to bed last night and you didn't crash on the sofa either. What's your story?"

"Just sneaking around last night. Nothing special." At least he wasn't totally lying. He was sneaking around but it was defiantly someone and something special.

"Ah. You know Cindy Stewarts?" asked Sirius.

"Not really…" James confessed.

"Well, I was with her. And Merlin, the sex was amazing! I mean, she licked my dick before we got going and everything. Like a professional! We had like, 3 rounds. Then I don't remember what happened exactly. But as long as I didn't wake up robbed and missing a kidney, I don't care!"

James grinned. "I've had amazing sex like that before!"

Sirius grinned too. "I bet you have bloke, I bet you have!"

They both cracked up, that is, until Sirius looked up. "Code Blue!" he muttered, lowering his head as if he were interested in Remus and Peter's game of exploding snaps.

James mind raced for a moment. Being a Marauder, means having lots of codes. Code blue? Code blue?

"Hey James, baby!" squealed Amanda, moving her face to his for a kiss. Oh. That code blue. James knew Lily was at the Ravenclaw table talking with a few of her friends. But he also knew she was watching this.

James pulled away before Amanda's lips could touch his. Amanda kissed the air and pulled back looking rather hurt.

"What's wrong baby?"

James cringed at the term. Baby was not something to be called while sitting next to your friend.

"What's wrong? What's wrong is…" he paused, preparing himself to be smacked in the face, "I can't date you Amanda, you're a whore and a floozy."

She just stood there looking shocked and angry and sad all at the same time. "WELL FINE THEN YOU BIG MEANIE!" she shrieked, stomping off.

Sirius grinned, which caught across his table of guys like wildfire. James noticed Lily's beautiful smile just from where he was sitting.

Sirius stood up and started to clap. It went from Sirius, to Remus, to Peter to the rest of the crowd. There where three reasons for this. 1) Sirius is a smart alike 2) Some guys were probably waiting for this to happen so they could hook up with her and 3) He knew everyone in the Great Hall was probably damn tired of seeing them make-out in front of everybody.

James beamed in his little limelight, happy he didn't have to fake obnoxiousness or fake anything at all anymore.

Lily came running over and sat herself next to James, she was beaming as well.

"Hey guys!" she said cheerfully, kissing James, full and hard on the lips.

Sirius gapped. "Why am I in one of your twisted dream fantasy's? If you two start shagging, I swear! I'll kill you for ever putting me in this weird little dream of yours that I seem to be having as well…" His voice trailed off. "This isn't a dream is it?"

James grinned. "Nope. Were dating."

Lily continued to grin. "Yep. That's right and we had the most amazing sex last night. I mean incredible."

Sirius, Remus and Peter's mouths dropped. James turned to look at Lily too, wondering why she would have shared such a thing in front of them.

Lily must have read his mind. "They were going to find out anyway!"

You just couldn't wipe that smile from her face.

"You, you told me…" Sirius pointed at James.

"What can I say?" laughed James, "I was sneaking around! Besides, I knew you'd pretty much act this way when you found out."

"Bastard." Sirius laughed. "Dirty bastard."

"Oh on!" squeaked Peter, "Almost time for potions! Professor will eat us alive if were late!"

"See you soon mate!" Sirius clasped his hand onto James shoulder, "I'll just leave you two alone!" He leaned closer into James ear, "I want a full report on what happened last night!"

Sirius raised his eyebrows and grinned one last time before walking away with Remus and Peter.

Lily turned and looked at James. "I love you" she said simply, as she took her hand in his.

"I love you too" he replied looking into her beautiful emerald green eyes.

She slapped his ass, hard. "Come on! We don't want to be late either, Potion Partner?" She squeezed his hand a little harder.

So maybe his butt stung a litte, but all in all, this was the happiest he'd felt in a long time.

"Sure" he said as both he and Lily hurried off to class.

Well, that was it. That was my first Lily/ James on shot fic. I've written fics before but never a one shot. wipes away sweat this took me……… I think 5 days. Hm. Well, if you like, then be sure to reply and tell me so, that way I know to go ahead and start my next fic! One with actual chapters hopefully. No title or anything yet. Just an unwritten plot idea. From James point of view of course. I love writing from his POV. Its just so exciting.

Well, review please! So I know this wasn't all for nothing!

Love Always,

EmmY


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